Do you know what I want for Christmas? Something very particular and very badly needed. I would like sanity in an idiotic world. Really simple really. I'll make it much more simple. No more kids for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. That's all. Santa baby, please bring them condoms for Christmas! LOTS!
We went to Walmart tonight (after I had seen a Larry the Cableguy spot on the Comedy channel an believe me, nothing gets me in a better Walmart shopping mood than that bit of prep). This evening did not disappoint! Especially being the last weekend before Christmas the place was rocking and rolling and people were running around like bunnies during mating season trying to tie up last minute odds and ends. I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed seeing that - BUT I do not miss working in retail one minute! Just basking in the energy and vitality of the last decent shopping day of the season. Which brings me to the inevitable - the checkout line. Sigh.
One thing I loathe - the copious amounts of tabloid fodder that haunts the checkout lanes. You are trapped and force fed the insipidness; everything from Oprah being fat to lose 50 pounds in 30 days, to who Jen Aniston is dating and is Brittney really sane... You get the drift. All the B.S. you can't hardly stand.
A few months ago we all lived through Angelina Jolie's pregnancy. Let's face it, with all the coverage it was like we were right there with her - first the bump watch, then going to the doctors, buying the baby clothes, having the heartburn, feeling the kicking and on and on. Maybe we even waddled a bit towards the end there. We didn't miss a heartbeat of our false sympathetic pregnancy! When she went into labor it was a worldwide labor and we all felt her pain and tried to breathe... breathe... breathe.... PUSH! PUUUUSH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! And just like that, it was over. Until the bazillion dollar baby pics hit the checkout stands and we were finally able to see the wee ones.
I couldn't take it then and I can't take any more now!! PLEASE STOP! Tonight I read that she might be pregnant - with more twins - I doubt it's true but heaven help us if it is. I don't think I can handle another pregnancy, it's just too soon. I still have some baby weight to get rid of and stretchmarks to decrease! Please no! I still want to enjoy the occasional beer!
Santa honey if you could do us all a big favor and give Brangelina boring condoms, Jen Aniston a decent but boring man, JLo and Mark Anthony a boring marriage counselor, Oprah a boring lasting fitness regime and.... Wait a minute Santa baby, maybe you can just take them with you back to the North Pole and put them all to good use helping your elves? That would be cool, no pun intended! On second thought, what terrible crimes have your elves committed for such a terrible punishment? Sigh.
Scratch that Christmas list Santa cutie, I've changed my mind ~ I just want a kitty!
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